Hope Lab Recap!

Tonight we wrap up compassion, join us at 5pm Pacific

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

One More Night on Self-Compassion

We are going to spend one more evening with self-compassion before we move on.

Over the last three meetings, we have been circling this topic from different angles - and emphasizing its importance as a nervous-system practice.

In our first gathering, we untangled self-compassion from self-indulgence. We looked closely at how many of us - especially the capable, high-responsibility, high-functioning ones - learned that pressure equals safety and harshness equals growth. We named how the inner critic often masquerades as protection. We explored how shame can create short bursts of compliance but erodes us over time. And we began experimenting with the possibility that self-compassion does not lower the bar - it changes the fuel source to one that is far more sustainable.

In our second meeting, we moved into the body. We explored what happens physiologically when we attack ourselves versus when we introduce even a small amount of warmth. We talked about hypervigilance and the way threat activation narrows our thinking into all-or-nothing narratives: if I am not exceptional, I am failing; if I make a mistake, I am exposed. We practiced staying in relationship with ourselves when things felt uncomfortable instead of abandoning ourselves internally. We paid attention to where the body tightens under self-criticism and what shifts when a different tone is introduced.

Last time, we turned toward one of the most charged edges of self-compassion: receiving. Compliments, gifts, hell even just positive regard - without immediately deflecting it. We explored how accepting kindness can activate old protective wiring. For many of us, receiving stirs up hypervigilance - a subtle “now I owe something.” It can trigger fear of exposure - “what if they see too much?” It can awaken fear of loss - “if this gets taken away, it will hurt.” And for some, it hits shame directly - “I didn’t earn this,” or “I don’t deserve it.” Ooof.

We named the hidden relational rules that often sit beneath those reactions: don’t take up space, stay self-sufficient, don’t let anyone gain leverage, vulnerability is risky. When those rules are running in the background, even a sincere compliment can feel activating. No wonder this stuff is hard!

To move the needle (even a tiny bit), we reframed compliments as relational bids - moments when someone says, “I see you. I’m offering positive regard. I’m placing you in the center for a moment.” And we considered the possibility that when we reflexively minimize or deflect, we are not just being modest - we are rejecting and disconnecting. Oof again.

We also looked at how gifts can carry even more intensity. Gifts raise questions of reciprocity and dependence - eeek! For those who learned to survive by being the strong one, the giver, the capable one, accepting care can feel like breaking a deeply internalized rule. But we also explored the idea that accepting is not taking advantage. It is allowing connection to complete itself. When someone gives, they receive something too - satisfaction, connection, meaning, pleasure. Our willingness to receive is part of what makes the exchange relational rather than transactional.

And we practiced absurd compliments. Because of course.

Slides (Which I Forgot to Attach 🙃)

I realized after we wrapped last time that I forgot to attach the slides on receiving gifts and compliments. They are attached below now. If you like having structure in front of you or want to revisit the language we used, they’re there for you. If you’re not a paying member of The Hope Circuit yet, now is the time! Whether you come to Hope Lab or not, you get new slides every week.

Tonight: One More Pass at Self-Compassion

Tonight, we are going to stay with this topic just one more time. Why? Well, because for one thing I have a writing exercise that we didn’t have time to get to last time. Second, we’re trying to rewire our brains, dammit! Let’s move away from any idea that we can sort out something like this in one session. That’s how we steep ourselves in shame and go right back to this idea that we don’t deserve the good stuff. Fuck that.

If you have noticed moments this week a moment where you deflected, minimized, or felt yourself brace against kindness, bring those stories. If you tried saying “thank you” and letting it stand for three seconds, bring that too.

Slides from two weeks ago & link for tonight below!